The Process of Forgiveness
The process of forgiveness can be a very difficult thing to get through. This is particularly true when
the relationship is a close relationship such as a marriage or another family member. Forgiveness can
often time come in the heart of the wronged, but reconciliation is another story. In the book titled
“When Forgiveness Doesn't Make Sense,” the author writes, “there are three ingredients necessary to
effect a reconciliation with someone we have wronged – repentance, restitution, and rehabilitation”
(Jeffress, 2000, p. 115).
When discussing the topic of forgiveness, the bible is very clear in multiple areas of scripture that we must love one another and forgive one another. It says in Colossians 3:13 (TLB), “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” This may actually be the easy part in the entire process because we can see clearly that God has been merciful and has forgiven us for so many wrongs in our own lives. Having a reconciled relationship is not always this easy.
To have true biblical forgiveness we must follow the entire process as outlined by Jeffress (2000). This starts with the repentance of the one who has caused the harm in the relationship. If I am not willing to admit my wrong doing or mistake and “acknowledge the pain [I] have caused another person,” there cannot be any hope for true reconciliation (Jeffress, 2000, p. 117). This repentance has to be an acknowledgement of 100% responsibility without any excuse or rationalization. Adding anything after the apology such as “but” or “if you” only places blame and excuse on something or someone else including the person who was harmed by the behavior.
Some will argue that a person who commits adultery does not deserve to be forgiven. They will even say things like, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” My counter argument to these arguments is that “[love] keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). God has forgiven us time and time again for our own wrongs and has the power to heal any sin within any person at any time. The bible says in Luke 17:4, “Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying 'I repent,' you must forgive them."
The next step in the process is restitution. Not to be confused with revenge, “restitution is the payment we volunteer to another person we have offended” (Jeffress, 2000, p. 119). We must be careful to separate the two in our personal need to see the offender suffer as we have. In paying restitution willingly and from the heart, we display the true sincerity of a repentance that is looking for reconciliation.
Some may say that there is no restitution high enough to allow me to forgive for the wrong that has been committed. This is particularly true in cases of death or betrayal. One may even say, “I don’t want your money” or “It is not necessary, I forgave you already.” This may even be how I feel about a wrong done to me. What I have to realize it is not always about how I feel in the situation. Psalm 37:21 says, "The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives." This tells me that sometimes it is a way for me to allow the light of God to shine in a negative situation by letting the wrong doer become whole with the Word of God. By allowing the restitution to be made, the wrong doer can be free from a lifetime of guilt as well.
The final step in the process of forgiveness is the rehabilitation of the offender. In the recovery community we have a saying that goes “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” In other words if we say we have repented, we apologize, we pay you back, or even cry, if our behaviors are still the same, nothing will change. There is really no point in starting an apology if you are just going to repeat the same offense or behavior. The offender has to be willing to make changes to make themselves whole with God, then with the person they have offended. This can take several weeks, months, or even years before we are actually changed from within. Often times we have spent many years becoming the offensive person we are, it will not just change overnight. When this happens, full restoration and unity between parties can begin.
It can and will be argued that there is no possible way to have any sort of rehabilitation for the sins and wrongs committed by someone who is “evil.” I present to them the story of the demon-possessed man healed in Mark chapter 5. Here is a man who was possessed by two-thousand demons. But Jesus, with a simple command in verse 9 said, “Come out of the man, unclean spirit!” was able to cast out all two thousand of them and restore this man to his “right mind” (v. 15). If Jesus could cast out two thousand demons with one command, there is absolutely no reason he could not rehabilitate someone who has wronged us regardless of the severity. My job is to forgive and be open minded to the power of Christ who has the job of rehabilitator.
Following the process of forgiveness using these biblical guidelines not only shows what kind of character the offended has, but also what kind of Glory God should get for the process. It is not the “world’s way “ of looking at forgiveness and reconciliation but it is the way we have set before us by God Himself. If someone sins against me and I refuse to offer forgiveness, allow restitution, rehabilitation and reconciliation, no one would bat an eye. However, if I am wronged and I follow these guidelines and show the true love, grace, and compassion of Christ, He indeed will receive all of the Glory. No one will believe that man can forgive adultery and love like nothing has ever happened. But if I allow Christs love to shine through these simple steps and to restore my marriage, those around me will see the Glory He can bring to any wrongdoing.
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